Human beings will always find something wrong with their lives. As a human who has lived a gloriously average life with little to complain about somewhere along the way I have found too many causes for upset. Here I am a 20 something living a normal life with love support and everything i need to stay alive supplied for me. Yet I wake up every day and I find things that throw me off, things I can’t do that for the majority of people in my situation aren’t even a second thought.
I have anxiety.
Over the course of the past year I’ve had panic attacks that have occured increasingly often. I had one this past week and while I can see the outside circumstances that have factored into this I’ve had enough. It averages out at one a month over the past six months now and I need to do something about it.
I know I should go see a doctor. Rationally I know I need to go get treated and sort it out. Up until this week I had considered it but was set against the idea, partially because of the anxiety. Knowing how I will be recieved by some of those around me, the thought of admitting I’m wrong, being honest with others and myself about how I am not in control. Most of all it keeps telling me that I do not matter, I am caught thinking that I am not worth the time or money of the NHS.
On the odd day I have understood that I need to see a doctor about this, when I really accept that I need help there the anxiety is. I am reminded of the world around me, the way we view mental health. It brings me back to when I last tried to open up about this, and I was told that it’s just the way I am and it’s all in my head.
It varies, some days I’m fine. Others I regret getting out of bed, disgusted by myself. I cannot bring myself to speak to people. I look at facebook, wanting to talk even just to say hey. To check in on how my friends are doing. I am afraid, worried I am unwanted, unloved, that I am being a nusiance. I fear that by speaking to people, I am only exasperating these issues. So I stay quiet, I alienate myself from those I care about. Those of you who get a hey “how are you?”, you’re very important to me. Please dont go anywhere okay?
If you know someone with anxiety, which is more likely than you expect, just check up on them. Every interaction we have with you takes every bit of nerve we’ve got. We care about you, you might mean the world to use but we just can’t tell you. The fear of judgement or lack of reciprication is too much. To anyone who I’ve ever upset by not saying hey, or if you think I’m not making the effort I really am sorry.
Though this last panic attack really made me stop and think. I need to accept that this aniexty is holding me back. Today I am making a comittment that I have told someone close to me about so they force me to keep to it. If I have another panic attack before September I am going to the doctors, no ifs not buts I need to do this.